La Blue Girl Episode 5 - by Liam R
Warning: This article will have links that will contain images that are strictly NOT SAFE FOR WORK so click on them at your own risk. Also, they’re probably not safe for your sanity either. Also we will be discussing sexual atrocities, alongside lots of bad language. If any of these offend you, then I suggest you back the fuck out now.
Anime fans scare me. There is nothing more terrifying than a load of fat people dressed up as characters from Dragonball Z or Sailor Moon running around a hotel for a convention (or at least that is what I am lead to believe). The only things in my own life which come close to that level of obsession are masturbation and football and never at the same time. But if anime fans are scary what about their hentai brethren? These are the creepy guys who hang around in their bedrooms, abhor sunlight and write 2,000 word blog entries on the women in these movies. Actually, I think I’ve just described myself so I’d best move on. Now my feelings on La Blue girl were briefly touched on during my last Doji article, and suffice to say that everything I said about it was true. It was nasty, degrading and presented as a comedy so why on Earth have I decided to review it? Quite simply, because you people need to feel my pain that’s why. So grab a sick bucket, ready the eye bleach and remember these phrases: I am not making any of this shit up.
Mido is referred to as a strong female character in some circles, who's job happenss to involve being raped all the time. What-the-fuck-ever
The episode opens with our ‘heroine’ Mido Miko knicker-less, a fact that irritating ninja sidekick who I will call from this point on CumBucket picks up on straight away. Another pair of facts I pick up on straight away is that Mido has the most annoying voice in the universe which isn’t my own, and that the voice actors really can’t act. Consider this little titbit: “I forgot to put on fresh panties (DRAMATIC PAUSE WHICH LASTS LONGER THAN THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS) when I put the others in the wash.” Anyway, CumBucket the pervert ninja then announces that he was “up all night putting together this tape of your sex craft in action”. He then shows the tape which seems to solely consist of Mido with tentacles where tentacles shouldn’t go, as well as being raped by what looks like a suction pump. This is okay, because this is a STUDY TAPE. A fucking study tape? Well Mido calls the tape porn then screams out of her flat because she’s late for school. Quite the opening, even more compelling that all the above takes just two minutes of screen time. Fuck you Maeda!
CumBucket, erection thankfully out of shot
Of course, Miko forgets to put her kickers on and flashes the principal of the school. As you do, obviously. Anyway, there seems to be a new girl in school who might not be all she seems. You can tell this by the fact that she scowls at Miko, but that could just be because she heard Miko screeching earlier. The new girl’s name is Hoobooki or something like that, and you best remember it because it’s important later. The class then start playing basketball and BooHooki starts whupping everyone’s arse. So her not-so-surprisingly butch teacher then asks if PooPooki “can get past my defences” luckily without a dramatic pause. DooDooki beats the teacher and is now everyone’s favourite girl which makes Miko upset. Miko’s mood isn’t exactly helped when ShooDooRyuKenKi fires off evil glares at her.
See if you can spot my running gag...
As a punishment for being obviously shit at everything and having the most annoying voice on the face of the planet, Miko has to put all the equipment away. TigerUppercutKi ambushes Miko and starts abusing her feminine private areas, as well as putting a spell on Miko. The spell will replay the pleasure DooShooWhapKi is giving Miko and is triggered by the phrase “what time is it”. Why yes, whenever someone says the magic words Miko will suddenly get the horn and will need to ‘push the button’ as it were. Now I hope you truly understand me when I say that Urotsukidoji is pretty much ‘Gone By The Wind’ compared to this shit.
So Miko goes shopping and takes CumBucket with her, and in a plot twist which could only be described as deus ex machina a small child (OH GOD) asks Miko what the time is. And sure enough, Miko starts abusing herself in the middle of the street for what seems like an eternity. CumBucket comes to the rescue and stuffs her in a bag (hurrah!), while BadabadabadabadaBingki takes pictures. Cumbucket takes Miko to an old woman who says (with as much of a straight face as is possible in a cartoon) that someone must have “re-programmed her snatch”. Actually, I think that that line of dialogue may well have got lost in translation somewhere but I digress. On with the carnage!
Re-programmed her snatch? Who writes this shit?
UnDosTresKi explains what she might well be doing. She wants to be a sex ninja (her words, not mine) so she has to steal Miko’s family scroll to find out all her secrets. To do this, she breaks in to her butch teacher’s house and gives her the niraninbo (NOT SAFE FOR ANYTHING!) attack much like a Pokemon would unleash a Psybeam or Thunderbolt attack. The niraninbo attack is a little different to most Pokemon attacks. Yes, that is a giant wang she has grown from her crack and yes, she does start raping her butch teacher. Holy fucking shit. Meanwhile, those pictures that ArribaArribaKi took of Miko fucking herself on the street are all over the school. The butch teacher asks Miko why she was wanking in the street, so Miko admits her sex ninja past. The teacher tells Miko that she’ll be around later to see if she’s lying or not (I’m guessing it’s not an important point anymore). Well they meet in Miko’s flat but a scantily clad ninja breaks in and steals it. Oh noes!
You KNOW this isn't going to be pretty
And you'd be right!
So who is the scantily clad ninja? BoBoBoBonanzaKi of course and she wants to break into the realm of the shikima, a race of demons. Now it’s not explain why the Shikima are such a problem as unlike in Doji they don’t have a habit of appearing and raping schoolgirls. WooooooooooooooWoooooooooooooooki then states what she needs to get to the Shikima is to “Drink the sperm of a young virgin” which she does and then “turn to the north and let my fingers satisfy my desires” which she does. And then she gets gang raped three on three by a group of demons who all sound like the guys who voiced the male characters in Doji. SuDoKuKi can’t come first what with being a sex ninja whose sole role in life is to get raped, enjoy it and not come and all, so she burns the penis of one of the other demons.
Oh come on, Maeda at least put SOME effort into the demons in Urotsukidoji
Miko decides to follow ShoeShowKi to the realm of the shikima by the same methods though thankfully we are spared that particular visual. FuBuKi meanwhile stumbles upon the king of the shikima who is busy fucking his wife. When she leaves, KooKooKooKi makes her move and attempts to seduce him. The king is a man with manly desires, but unfortunately his penis is the size of a small car. Fear not you sick little puppies, as WhoooooooooooooooooooooooKi stretches her snatch to accommodate him (complete with vomit-inducing artwork of her torso expanding to engulf the girth). Miko turns up and her and HooHooki fight to the death by unleashing their clit wangs. Miko wins by piercing her pleasure points of her pubic hair (which also happens to turn to steel in the throes of ecstacy). Anyway, HooBooKi loses, becomes a shikima (complete with a pussy that is a set of jaws with sharp teeth) and everyone lives happily ever after.
The bit at the end: That didn’t make a lick of sense did it? Good, because I watched it and it still didn’t make any sense at all, which is what I think Maeda was going for. He throws so much shit and sexual deviancy at the screen so quickly that you don’t have time to think about what you’ve seen, let alone contemplate just how wrong it is. And make no mistake, this is so wrong it’s not even funny. Not recommended in any way shape or form, but what do you say Mr O’Reilly?
Damn straight.