The End Of The Beginning, Or Something Like That - by Liam R
“I'm afraid not. The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.” [source: Blackadder Goes Forth/ImdB]
I love that quote, but I really didn’t feel like typing the whole thing but for those who have never seen Blackadder, then I suggest you get a hold of the last episode, entitled Goodbyeeee. You will not regret it, I promise as in my own humble opinion it’s the single greatest thirty minutes in the history of British comedy. In the episode Blackadder, who has spent the entire First World War attempting to get out of going over the top is forced to meet what looks like certain death and as such it’s a hell of a lot more poignant and reaches an emotional depth that most programs never will. Anyways, just buy the whole damn series.
So why am I talking about an episode where the air of finality is heavy? Because at some point next week, most likely Thursday, Straw Donkeys will go over the top as it were, maybe never to return. It’s a shame, but seeing as you humble writer can’t seem to get a job which doesn’t involve working 60 hours a week in order to get the same weekly wage as some lobotomized sloth in an office with half my qualifications I am out of money. However, this week was also going to serve as a one year anniversary for the lovely Donkeys so let’s look back on some personal and sporting highlights shall we?
1.Liam got a girlfriend!
Yes, for the first four months of this website’s existence I found someone who found me attractive and would allow me to stick my cock inside them. But as per usual, I called it off, citing (personally, and never to anyone else in public until now) the fact that I really didn’t want a girlfriend. Or rather, I can’t be bothered to sit and talk to you all the time as sometimes I like being on my own. As you can probably tell, I’m still single and guess what? I’m fucking loving it.
2.Liam watched Doji III
I was seriously tempted to put this on my CV in my list of achievements. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a four part mini-series that was as much hard work as watching Doji III was. What’s slightly more disturbing is that if I imported the final part of the Doji saga, I would be arrested under the Child Protection Act and would be a convicted paedophile. All this and more to be covered in a future article that may or may not happen!
3.The NHL had a lock out and then not a lock out
I love hockey, and without a shadow of a doubt does playoff hockey rule all. Unfortunately, the owners of the smaller, crappier franchise in non-hockey markets (Atlanta, Carolina, Florida) decided that they were all losing too much money and wanted some form of cost-certainty amongst the entire league (in other words a salary cap). Well the players union offered everything except a salary cap (including a 24% wage cut across the entire union) but eventually got battered into submission. The NHL landscape has indeed changed much since last year, with rules being introduced to increase scoring and most of the higher spending powerhouse teams (like Detroit, Toronto, New York, Philadelphia) having to get rid of their best players meaning the talent in the league is more evenly distributed. Should be an interesting season.
4.The Slough Town Show
It started off with the Summer Of Hell Part 6, culminated with a win in the Isthmian League Cup and included a comprehensive win over Walsall. Yes it was a rollercoaster of a season, and now are embittered owner has stepped down from running the club, apparently has plans for a new ground in Slough and the future looks rosy. What this all means is that my debut playing for the Rebels in the Hellenlic League Division One East is a little further away.
5. London got blown up, badly
Memo to Al Qaeda: Do you really think you can do what the Luftwaffe (three years of constant bombing) and the IRA (a thirty year campaign of violence and bombing) couldn’t?
Apart from that, it’s been a pretty so-so year. I’d like to say a huge thanks to Joey, Charlie, Dr Pope and Kirby for contributing to the site for the last year as without you I’d be stuck with about six articles for the whole year. I’d also like to thank Justin at the Dyslexic Penguin and Jim at The Morphine Nation for giving me links and stuff. Finally I’d like to thank you all for reading. I don’t know how many of you there are (probably none) but if weI ever made you laugh, cry, or just plain old dry heave then my job is done. We might be gone for a while, but we’ll be back stronger and more offensive than ever before. Oh, and one more thing: CUNTING JESUS!