The Boredom Strikes - by Liam R
Well it’s a Thursday morning, stuck in a moderately well air-conditioned office and I have sweet fuck all to do. You see, for the first time in two months my team at work haven’t had to deal with a stupid amount of requests which had built up after a rollout of a computer system across Europe had rendered us unable to do anything for a fortnight. So now that everything is back to normal, and with my good self still running at “fuck we’ve got fuckloads of stuff to do” speed, the lowered work load has left me at a loss as to what to do with my ever increasing free time. I’m ‘technically’ not allowed to browse the interwebnetsuperhighway, read a paper or anything else which could be seen as unprofessional but can get away with writing junk articles because at least then it looks to the casual observer that I am working and not just looking at pictures of boobies.
So in my infinite wisdom I’ve decided that I have to do something, anything to alleviate the mind numbing banality of my pointless existence and foist the dripping product on you, the poor reader. It must also be said that at this point, I have no idea whatsoever where the hell this is going to go but let’s see shall we?
1.Buy crap on the internet
Our first port of call in my struggles to engage my brain above the normal level of retardation is to buy stuff. Now that I’m in a fairly well paid job, I have started splurging on stuff which normally I wouldn’t have got in a legal manner. That’s why on my desk right now there is the greatest T-Shirt ever (I’m keeping it under wraps for the moment, but it’s classy as fuck), AFI’s ‘Decemberunderground’ album which I shall now doubt give a good rotation once I leave the office and the follow-up to one of the ‘Greatest Albums As Picked By Me’ in the shape of ‘Bad Blood’ by Aussie dance rocker combo Gerling. So you could say that this should no doubt help me get through the day. You’d be dead wrong motherfucker, as I can’t listen to them as that would be unprofessional. So what else could I buy? I’ve had my eye on a sunburst Squier Telecaster for a while now, but I suck at bass so the six string equivalent would be like learning integration in A-Level maths again. I need a new television as well, but I don’t think I’d have any room in my bedroom. I also need some shelving, and have had an insane idea that instead of having a wardrobe, I’ll simply run a steel pipe around my ceiling and hang my clothes from there. Insane, but it would look so fucking cool.
2.Smoke
Yes, it’s a filthy, dirty disgusting habit which will no doubt kill me sooner (hopefully) rather than later (more than likely knowing my wretched luck), but there’s more chance of my getting gored to death my a charging hippo than that. However, my smoke breaks at work are a carefully calculated schedule which helps break my day down into manageable bite-size chunks. Besides, when I do tear myself away from my desk, my mind starts to wonder over stuff I’ve done in the past so I get in a right mood with myself. Happiness, go fuck yourself. However, it should be said that if it hadn’t been for one important smoke break a few weeks ago I would never have had the idea to turn Urotsukidoji into a film, and a bad one at that.
3.Take the office hostage
Nothing wrong with a bit of terrorism is there? But my own particular brand of head fuck stems from an article I read in a porn mag once. Okay you can stop laughing, but I remember the halcyon days when porn mags did actually have articles between the boobs and pussies, but then I also remember the days when porn mags didn’t have re-enactments of coitus (now that’s a big word for me) in them either. Anyway said article was probably the inspiration for this, where they said that whenever you were bored you could just pretend your house was under siege, so that tends to be where my mind wonders during the course of the day. Now if it were to happen that I got so psychologically damaged that I did in fact take the office hostage, knowing my luck I’d die from a sniper shooting me in the arse, falling off my chair and tearing my testicles off in the process before the cigarette I was smoking set fire to the carpet and burned me alive. Now that may make me sound to be a complete lunatic and you’d be dead right, but it keeps away the waking nightmares that have plagued me for the last two years (and they are now starting to get to truly terrifying proportions – the last one was so bad, I actually missed my train because I was so fucked up over it). And you wonder why I don’t have a girlfriend.
Go mental in your office. You might enjoy it
4.Work
Don’t be fucking stupid.
5.Write crap
A personal favourite of mine is this, and you are all sitting here reading the results of this particular experiment. What I am planning to do (alongside a whole heap of other crap that I am planning and never actually get round to, you know, doing) is to get a notepad and pen and write down all the randomised mumbo jumbo that pops into my head. Usually these are ideas for articles that for one reason or another never get written, partly because I never write them down but so far today I’ve come up with a couple of gems. For instance, why not Top Ten Pornstar List with the judging categories being tits, arse, face, takes it up the shitter, bukkake & unattainable ambitions outside of porn, essentially turning the list into some sort of dirty version of Top Trumps but with a ginormous number of naked boobs and vertical smiles on show? Bonus points will be awarded for creative uses in scenes of words not generally used in porn that sound like they came out of science book. Seriously, if a porn star used the word electromagnet while taking it from a strap-on I would have to marry the woman.
Yeah. All my girlfriend have the same last name. JPG .
6.Write more crap
A subtly different form of crap here. Occasionally I get very, very angry with everything and everyone (as evidenced by last week’s Hit Parade) and to counter this I vent away on my keyboard, spewing forth bile and hate in a manner that even my friends would describe as ‘disturbing’. But it’s all good you see, I mean you have heard of the phrase ‘better out than in’ haven’t you? The problem I have is that now I am writing streams of consciousness about fucking everything. Give me a bad day and I could write a two thousand word thesis on how much the leaves changing colour pisses me the fuck off. And if I get knocked back by a woman, better step off. I could write NOVELS that would make ‘War & Peace’ look like a VCR manual for how many times I’ve gone off (and on and on and on) about how much that part of my life truly blows. And if it’s not my fault (apparently, it is only 50% of the time stat fans), then it could make what I outlined above look like the instructional manual for a kettle. But this is all healthy, and as I found out to my absolute horror still exists on my hard drive so that any kid with the right tools can find out how much of a loser I really am. I digress but if you’re having a bad day at work because it’s so boring just write about it, email me (you know, that is why my name is BLUE at the top of this here article) and I’ll publish it. I’ll change the names to protect the innocent unless it’s so amusing that I can leave it as it is. That’s the joy of webmastery you see.
So there you have it, a typical day in the life of a complete social misfit. I’m sure you all have your own personal ways of beating the turds of tedium that scatter throughout your working life (like actual working) but I don’t care about those. I hope you enjoyed this article, and will enjoy many more like this in the future.