This is what happens when writers leave and various sporting bollocks - by Liam R
Well isn’t that a catchy title? As you may well have read, Joey isn’t in which has left me scrambling to find something to write about in order to fill the quality void that his unforeseen absence has left in Donkey World. The problem is, as seems to be the norm as far as my writing is concerned, is that I have nothing whatsoever to write about. I know, I know, you’re all probably shocked and possibly awed that yet again the webmaster of this poxy little internet blowhole has another crippling case of writers block but there is a very good reason for this: I’m not angry anymore.
A shocking revelation I’m sure you’ll agree but this idea that I’m simply content in my everyday life hit me last night as I was putting the finishing touches to this week’s Hit Parade. Now Joey has been admirably holding down the fort producing a weekly Hit Parade since the start of the year plus bi-weekly columns and so when he said he couldn’t do it this week I jumped at the chance to produce some original content. The only issue I has with that is that I felt I needed to write a companion article to make the whole world remember that I do in fact run this hellhole and I can write (albeit very badly).
So I went back over some of my older pieces and realised there was a central thread running through them all: I am a grumpy bastard. In fact there was so much anger and rage at perhaps everything and anything, no matter how small and insignificant that if any of my friends actually read them I’d have no friends left. And as I was finishing off the Hit Parade, I suddenly realised that I wasn’t angry anymore. I have a good job, I’ve just about resuscitated my social life, I’m playing football regularly in order to get rid of the beer gut I’ve developed over the last year or so. In fact life is so good for me at the moment that I can’t even get back into the angry mindset of a man who had no hope of finding a job and was having a hard time actually sleeping over it.
So exactly what am I going to write about now then? Fluffy bunnies? Not quite, but seeing as how I did promise something vaguely sporty let’s get physical!
Champions League: The Story So Far
In August Everton, Liverpool , Manchester United, Paris Saint Arsenal and Spartak Chelski were still in Europe . Everton fell first, then out went Manchester United but I don’t think anyone would have thought that the last team standing would be the Gunners but fair play to them. They caught a Real Madrid side which is living on it’s past reputations, did a job in the Bernabeu and then Jens ‘The Most Hated Man In The Premiership Not Named Gary Neville’ Lehmann produced the goalkeeping performance of a lifetime. This is of course a stark contrast to their woefully inconsistent Premiership form but if they get Milan , Juventus or Barcelona (the draw hasn’t been made as I write this) they’re toast.
Labour peace comes to Armoured Wankball
And by armoured wankball I mean the NFL, where on Wednesday night the owners of the 32 teams finally voted on a new labour deal which sees the top 15 earners contribute more of their hard-earned money to the players. In layman’s terms, next season’s salary cap will be up around $105 million, meaning that the ruthless cutting of older players won’t be as vigorous. The reason I bring this up is that there are football journalists bring up the American model when trying to get some sort of financial parity within the Premiership, but it could never work. In the NFL, the 32 teams are essentially 32 divisions of the same company all competing for top performer honours at the end of the year, staffed with workers on loan with the players union. In the Premiership, there are a constantly changing group of 20 individual companies with their own shareholders to appease while owning the contracts to all their staff. So there will never be any form of significant revenue sharing as long as everyone is competing against one another (and god forbid we ever get into franchise territory), plus if the PFA ever got to be as militant as the player unions in the States there would be one lost Premiership season out of every four played.
Hockey Pre Playoff Preview
Yes, ice hockey’s back on the map after a year away due to, yet again, labour issues and of course it’s a big new world for the NHL to explore. The days of big spending powerhouses throwing silly money in order to take home Lord Stanley’s Cup have gone, leaving behind a league where even the little teams from places where snow never falls can compete. But rather than look back at a season which has seen scoring rise due to new rules designed for precisely that reason, let’s look ahead to the most glorious post season in sport: The Stanley Cup Playoffs.
Out East, the Carolina Hurricanes have come from nowhere to slot themselves into the driver’s seat for the number one seeding. Breathing closely down their necks are the offensive powerhouse that are the Ottawa Senators, the surprisingly good again New York Rangers and stubborn Buffalo Sabres. I say surprising about the Rangers as they were the primary team who threw silly money at players and yet seemed doomed to never make the playoffs. Buffalo have been building a decent and young core of good players and a year together in the AHL during the lockout has worked wonders. The Senators are the only team to worry about as Dominik Hasek got injured during the Olympics and they desperately need a quality goaltender for the postseason. At the wrong end of the table, the Pittsburgh Penguins accumulated some talented veterans to go alongside wunderkind Sidney Crosby and old hand Mario Lemieux. It didn’t work, and now Super Mario has retired again and the Penguins are languishing with the worst record in the league. Playoff contenders: Locks – Carolina, Ottawa, New York Rangers, Buffalo. Just about there – Philadelphia. Work to Do – New Jersey, Tampa, Montreal, Atlanta, Toronto, Boston. Looking to the Draft – Florida, Washington, Pittsburgh.
Over in the West, my Detroit Red Wings have overcome their enormous wage bill to yet again be the number one team in the Conference, but are being doggedly pursued by division rivals Nashville . Dallas have also cut salary and maintained their place amongst hockey’s elite while Calgary are currently sitting on top of an absolute war ground in the Northwestern Division, where the lead bottom placed Minnesota by just eleven points. In somewhat sadder news, the St. Louis Blues twenty six year plus streak of always making the playoffs looks to be coming to an end as they sit with just 46 points and an ownership who just doesn’t care about the team. Playoff contenders: Locks - Detroit, Dallas, Nashville. Work to do - Calgary, Colorado, Vancouver, Los Angeles, Edmonton, Anaheim, Minnesota, San Jose. Looking to the draft – Phoenix, Columbus, Chicago, St Louis.
o that’s all I could be arsed to write about sports. Look for something again next month as well as a Stanley Cup playoff preview with super duper special (i.e. completely clueless) guest predictions. Until then, sayonara or something like that.