The Detroit Lions 2006 Season Preview - by Liam R
It’s that time of year when all of America buys more snacks and junk food than it has for most of the summer & welds itself into its favourite chair with a couple of frosty beverages. This time is known as the NFL season and after all the hoopla of the draft, agonising training camps and pretty crappy exhibition games the talking stops and the controlled violence begins. Now as a Lions fan for almost twenty years, this is always when I am most optimistic about my teams chances but as they are an NFL worst 21-59 over the last five years, with a 24 games straight losing streak on the road my optimism will last until they concede their first points of the season. There may be a glimmer of hope somewhere, but let’s break it all down first.
Who stepped into the mess? Steve Mariucci was fired midway through last season, Dick Jauron took over and promptly ran away when given the opportunity. So the man who walked into the coaching black hole that is the Lions is former Tampa Bay defensive line coach Rod Marinelli. Flanking him are the creator of ‘The Greatest Show On Turf’, Mike Martz(offensive co-ordinator) and former New York Jets defensive co-ordinator Donnie Henderson both of whom should get head coaches jobs at the end of the year. As far as players go, the Lions signed quarterbacks Jon Kitna and Josh McKown to compete with Dan Orlovsky for the role (which was eventually won by Kitna) so the majority of the team that went 5-11 last year will get a chance to show how badly they can do under a new regime. The draft was pretty shocking by Lions standards, taking two defensive players (linebacker Ernie Sims and safety Daniel Bullocks) with their first two picks.
Rod Marinelli: Every head coach who has left the Lions in 40 years has never got another head coaching job. Fact.
Who got the hell out of dodge? It was bound to happen at some point and after losing the locker room completely thanks to Dre Bly’s outburst against him, Joey Harrington ran off to the Miami Dolphins for a new start under Nick Saban. Personally, I think Joey is a good quarterback and once he gets a coach who believe in him (which Mariucci never was) he should and hopefully will turn into a good starter. Besides, you know he’s going to start against the Lions on Thanksgiving and toast them completely. Next out was perhaps even less of a surprise as after two broken collarbones, a four game suspension for drug issues and a work habit that even a man who has been unemployed for twenty years and never done a days work in his life would call lazy, Charles Rogers suffered the indignity of being cut. Plus there’s also the small matter of the $10m the Lions are chasing him for after the suspension put him in default of his contract. You see, this is what happens when you put a fucking douchebag like Matt Millen in charge – his first two draft picks ever as an NFL executive are shipped out of town (with Mike Williams on very thin ice) – and then the moron gets a fucking contract extension.
Charles Rogers: My jersey just became worth £2. Bastard.
Any other business? The team is worth $859m. I think that’s about it really. And in a late breaking development, and I mean late breaking as it is Thursday morning as I write this, defensive line coach Joe Cullen was arrested twice in two weeks for driving naked and drunk. So after all the headlines the Cincinnati Bengals were getting for having their players arrested on a seemingly weekly basis, the Lions go and trump them all by having a coach driving naked and drunk. If anyone could boil down the microcosm of being a Lions fan down to a single thing, then being driven to drive your car naked after a few beers is it.
This could happen. A lot.
Schedule (road games in bold):
Sun 9/10 - Seattle Seahawks 1:00 pm
Sun 9/17 - Chicago Bears (Soldier Field) 1:00pm
Sun 9/24 - Green Bay Packers 1:00 pm
Sun 10/1 - St. Louis Rams (Edward Jones Dome) 4:05 pm
Sun 10/8 - Minnesota Vikings (Metrodome) 1:00 pm
Sun 10/15 - Buffalo Bills 1:00 pm
Sun 10/22 - NY Jets (Giants Stadium) 1:00 pm
Sun 11/5 - Atlanta 1:00 pm
Sun 11/12 - San Francisco 1:00 pm
Sun 11/19 - Arizona (Cardinals Stadium) 4:05 pm
Thu 11/23 - Miami 12:30 pm
Sun 12/3 - New England (Gillette Stadium) 1:00 pm
Sun 12/10 - Minnesota 1:00 pm
Sun 12/17 - Green Bay (Lambeau Field) 1:00 pm
Sun 12/24 - Chicago 1:00 pm
Sun 12/31 - Dallas (Texas Stadium)1:00 pm
On the face of it, it doesn’t look too bad. However the Lions get the season off to a roaring start by nicking a late win off of the still pissed off Seahawks, because getting promptly smacked around in the worst game you will see all season as the Lions lose by one field goal to two against the Bears. Fortunately, Brett Farve comes into Ford Field and chucks the Lions defense a few interceptions to take their record to 2-1. The Rams get one back on old coach Mike Martz as Stephen Jackson runs for 168 yards and two TDs, while Martz instead decides to only call passing plays of 60 yards or longer. The Vikings are up next and while the Lions put up a fight, their streak of never having won in the Metrodome since it was built continues, dropping the team to 2-3. With Willis McGahee out for the season after tearing his knee going to the toilet, the Lions whup the Bills before facing all four of the Jets quarterbacks (Chad Pennington will already injured by this point, having watched his arm sever completely while drinking a cup of coffee) who pass an interception each, raising the record to 4-3. After a week off where someone will get a ridiculous injury in the most innoculous manner (my money being on Jon Kitna) the Lions take on the Ron Mexico Travelling Circus and take revenge for last season’s Thanksgiving day defeat. The powderpuff 49ers are promptly dispatched as well before the Lions suffer a calamitous defeat at the hands of the Cardinals in the ‘Not Called Pink Taco Yet’ Stadium. After the customary Thanksgiving Day defeat to the Dolphins where Joey Harrington will show the skill of a No.3 overall pick by throwing for 359 yards, 4 touchdowns passing and one rushing, the Lions will be mauled to death by the Patriots. Minnesota win in Ford Field again, this time after a long snap is recovered by the Vikings and returned for a touchdown, while the Packers manage to beat the Lions for their only home victory of the season. The Bears stroll in and take the NFC Division with a closely fought 9-6 win, before the Cowboys grab homefield advantage for the playoffs. The Lions finish 6-10, Matt Millen gets a ten year extension top his contract while Mike Martz leaves to become manager of Newcastle United.
