On The Road With Straw Donkeys - by Joey Sarajevo
The epic travels of a select band of heroes has a proud tradition in Western Literature from the sagas of Viking Iceland and the courtly romances of the Middle Ages right through to Battlestar Galactica and Police Academy V: Assignment Miami Beach; in fact, I very nearly wrote this whole section as an epic poem in homage to the Odyssey of Homer and Virgil’s Aeneid. Which explains at least why I don’t have a girlfriend (and no, those of you who were with me for LCD Soundsystem in the Radio One tent, I haven’t asked her yet).
Anyway, the following forms a (very) hazy account of the hows and whys of myself, Liam R and Dr. Pope’s Sisyphian struggle to get to a field forty-five minutes away from our houses and put some tents up… Surely it couldn’t be THAT hard, right?
Yeah… right…
(Please note: All times given are approximate or, in most cases, entirely made up. Writing in the third person is a stylistic quirk, not a sign of mental illness. Unlike talking in the third person, Liam, you fuck.)
0730 Joey’s Mum wakes him up with a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. Joey enjoys these before deciding to ‘rest his eyes’ for five minutes before his alarm goes off at 0800.
0800 Joey’s alarm goes off.
0845 Joey wakes up, having decided to go back to bed ‘for a few minutes’ after shutting off alarm. Runs about in a panic, then has shower. Texts Liam lying about what time he’ll get to his.
0910 Joey leaves his house. (NB: At this point in the epic poem version it would be pointed out that, trusting to his own abilities, Joey does not sacrifice to the Gods – Odysseus’ mistake when leaving Troy . It took Odysseus ten years to get home, and all his crew died on the voyage. Bear this in mind later on.)
0945 Joey makes it to Liam’s in his fastest-ever time (NB: Joey drives like an old woman).
0950 Liam, Joey and Dr. Pope set out for the Festival. Ok, we’re a bit late – but it can’t be that busy, can it?
0951 Yay! Motorway is busy but moving, all the way to Reading .
1025 Ok, it’s always slow at this bit, right?
1100 Well, at least it’s sunny. Joey and Liam decide to put on London Calling by The Clash; it’s a double album, so it should last the rest of the way.
1130 Nah, that ‘ Alternative Route ’ is bound to be as busy as this one.
1145 The first side of London Calling finishes. Liam and Joey are increasingly hysterical. The heat is causing the glue which holds Joey’s rear-view mirror in place to melt.
1230 The second side of London Calling finishes. Liam and Joey are increasingly hysterical. The heat is causing the veneer of civilisation which holds their sanity in place to melt.
1245 Dr. Pope spies a one-armed tout. He decides to message Liam – “The one-armed tout is gay”.
1246 “The one-armed tout is gay!” shouts Liam “What one armed tout?” “I don’t know,” responds Joey, loudly “But he sounds like a right cunt.”
1247 The lorry next to Joey’s car moves forward. Oh, you mean THAT one-armed tout.
1300 Nah, that sign saying ‘All Festival Traffic’ is some kind of trick.
1330 WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT SIGN SAYING ‘ALL FESTIVAL TRAFFIC’ APPLIES TO ‘ALL FESTIVAL TRAFFIC’ YOU FUCKING, FUCKING BASTARDS? WHERE IS THIS FUCKING CAR PARK, SOME FIELD TWO MILES AWAY?
1345 The Car Park is in some field two miles away. Joey begins to weep openly.
1415 Liam, Joey and Dr. Pope finally park up.
1420 A girl approaches Joey with a ‘comedy introduction’ of “I’m sorry, you can’t do that here” (she means ‘look miserable’, geddit, and is collecting money for the homeless). Those of you who know Joey as the quiet, gentlemanly soul he is may be quite surprised to learn what he was about to shout at her. Dr. Pope gives generously and receives some shitty book on Eastern Mysticism. (NB: Those of you who believe any of that bollocks should go here and have a bit of a think).
1430 Yay! There’s a boat!
1431 Shitting crikey, now that’s what I call a queue.
1500 Ah, a boat trip. Liam and Dr. Pope are reminded of the Riverboat Shuffle. Joey had no mates when we were at school and, reminded of how he didn’t go but spent the night alone and friendless listening to Gold Against The Soul, dies a little more inside.
1505 What WAS the theme from Baywatch? The song that claims to be on The Best of David Hasslehoff wasn’t the one on the opening credits.
1506 A girl next to us sings ‘Won’t Let You Out Of My Sight’. Nice job, girl next to us.
1510 Liam, Joey and Dr. Pope arrive at the Festival. Ok, we’re a bit late – but it can’t be that busy, can it?
1520 Well, at least we’re closer than Liam and Joey managed in ’03; hey, remember how hard the ground was – it was like camping on concrete!
1521 HOW HARD IS THIS GROUND, YOU FUCKING, FUCKING BASTARDS? IT’S LIKE CAMPING ON FUCKINGCONCRETE!
1522 After much deliberation (well, as much as is needed), all present decide that Phil’s tent is gay.
1530 Heavy summer showers cause Joey to put on his mac-in-a-bag, which someone will later steal during Foo Fighters’ set on Saturday. The thieving little cunt. But at least the tents are all up. Let the party begin!
At this point, what should have been a leisurely morning’s work has translated into nearly five hours and forty minutes of epic struggle. Tempers are frayed, tent pegs are insecure, and Phil’s tent is an absolute fucking shambles despite Dr. Pope’s heroic efforts. The moral of all this? Well I’m not sure… Benicassim next year perhaps?