The Hit Parade Special Edition One - by Joey Sarajevo
Well, Liam’s already done the Top Ten musical acts (and, incidentally, proved that I was wrong about ‘anyone’ being able to tell you how out-of-their-depth Bloc Party were) – but, as Glastonbury bores will tell you, a festival isn’t just about the music, man. So here for your delight are the Top Ten non-musical (or non-band-related, at least) things about this year’s Reading Festival:
10. The Girls Behind Me When I Was Queuing For A Burger Four sixteen -year-olds being ever so grown up about all the cocaine they were going to buy. I kinda hope they never actually found a dealer; they’d have been eaten alive. Or he would have.
9. Liam Shitting Himself Not as good as the time he passed out in my mates’ icebox, or got a tenner off two Americans for being the most wasted guy they’d ever met, but since I saw a lot less of my perennially lubricated editor this year than in ’03, this’ll have to do as his drunken highlight.
8. Anarkyze Reform! Sadly, the plan for a new line-up of Phil and Aiden’s legendary early-nineties school band to play a one-off reunion performance in the Nokia tent never came off. Altogether now: “The Sun has got his hat on and he’s coming out to… DIE!”
7. Walking Along The Thames OK, having to get a boat to the campsite sucked a bit, but the breezy river path was just what the doctor ordered in the baking summer heat especially when compared to the crowded dusty hell of the main road.
6. Drunken Mobs “Trolley, trolley! Trolley, trolley, trolley!” Really give Reading its unique flavour – you wouldn’t get this kind of thing at Glastonbury .
5. Dodgeball in the Cinema Tent …once they’d sorted out the sound, anyway. (Puts on eyepatch) Arrrgh!
4. The Cuban Brothers True, I only saw five minutes of ‘em, But five minutes of watching greased-up fat men with comedy moustaches and speedos doing bad karaoke to 'All Night Long' whilst drugged-up crusties blow glitter at you still beats this year’s entire V Festival line-up for entertainment value.
3. Pubs Ok, so they’d make pretty much any Top Ten list I cared to write, but there’s nothing like a nice sit down with some proper food, a pint or two of Guinness and the Sun’s problem page to read out in comedy voices (I can only do ‘me’, ‘bird’ and ‘Australian’, by the way, but it’s usually enough) to recharge the old batteries. Christ, I really am showing my age now.
2. Therapy? And Green Jelly Karaoke We got requests, you know.
1. Mojitos We laughed, we cried, we annoyed the miserable Scottish fuck behind the bar by eating sprigs of mint and getting our order wrong. I tried to sustain myself by eating the hair from James’s back. The rejuvenated Bacardi tent fucking ruled.